Redneck Starship
Captain
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over
a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp
nacelles.
You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."
He refers to Klingons as "Critters."
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns."
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent
coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the
saucer section.
He says, "Got your ears on, good buddy"
instead of "open hailing frequencies."
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair
and a gun rack above it.
He says, "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage."
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer
"Bubba."
He sets the fore viewscreen to
reruns of
"Bassmaster."
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs,
and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a
"swamp."
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen."
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
He sets phaser to
"Cajun."
Richard D’Andrea Dover
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