Steven Wright Quotes

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.  

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Richard D’Andrea Dover
In His Steps Ministries
Previous Jokes

To the world, you may just be somebody...but to somebody, you may be the world.
Bill Wilson, Metro Ministries