Pneumonia, Diabetes, Depression, God Hates Me, Move to Arizona
Back in May of 2019 I caught pneumonia and suffered prolonged complications from it until I became so weak that I passed out three times during a lung function test in early December of 2019. A few days later I went to lie down in my bed and a feeling of fear suddenly gripped me as I realized if I fell asleep that night, I would never wake up again. I was taken to the ER where they performed several tests and I was subsequently hospitalized due to complications from pneumonia as well as undiagnosed diabetes. When they tested my blood sugar, I was at a 443 90-110 is normal).
When I was finally discharged, I was extremely weak physically and after trying to go back to work a few times and having to leave each time after only a couple hours, I began to give up. Each time I went to work I would suffer from dizziness and confusion and I just couldn’t take it any longer. I was unable to perform my duties at work and when I went home, I was bombarded by a belligerent old grandfather.
Depression
At the time, I lived with him as I helped him as his caregiver. Sadly, he suffers from dementia and he was very verbally vicious back then. It started to take its toll on me in my weakened state. Ultimately, I had to quit my job and I spent most days lying in bed feeling sorry for myself and falling deeper into depression.
I would often drive up into the woods and daydream about a better life. I would make a small campfire and lie next to it watching the stars pass by, imagining my life the way I thought it should be. My inner thoughts would then be bombarded with the stark realization that I was in fact not a wealthy businessman with a beautiful wife, 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence. I would drive home feeling more hopeless than I was just a few hours before.
God Hates Me
I was sure God didn’t care about me and in fact hated me. I thought of him as a big bully that pulls the wings off of flies and burns ants with a magnifying glass, except this time it was me he was toying with. My heart was full of resentment and hatred. I made the Grinch look like a saint.
Move from Oregon
All I knew was, if I stayed in that same environment, I would end up dead. I started making plans to move away. I wanted to get as far away from all of my problems as I could. “If I just move out of Oregon, everything will change. I’ll get a job; my health will get better and I’ll turn my life around.” Is what I told myself. I just knew I needed change. If I changed my environment, my life would be okay. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was just running from my problems and they would just follow me until I turned and faced them.
Move to Arizona
Shortly thereafter, I moved to Tucson, Arizona. I wasn’t thrilled to live in the desert, but my sister lived there and it gave me the opportunity to run away, so I took it.
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