Mind Mumbling

It has been 2 years and 2 months since I had my accident and I am still dealing with complications and worsening problems with yet more surgeries to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I still deal with high level pain, weakness and fatigue. A year ago, I was doing pretty well and then things started going downhill as my hip kept dislocating and now, a year later, my other hip is giving me problems and surgery number 11 will be a full hip replacement yet again. I really am turning into the Bicentennial Man! How do I feel about all of this? I am both angry and happy. Part of me throws my hands up and I throw a little tantrum in front of God as I wallow in self-pity, while part of me sees the lives God has touched through my story and I can’t help but smile and thank Him for using little ole me to help others.

Many times, I still find myself afraid as I try to look into the future and see if there is an end to all the hurts, pains and struggles and then I have to remind myself to stop trying to do God’s job and just let Him take care of me. Sometimes, my bull-headed stubbornness amazes me as I try to be in control. Haven’t I learned enough to know life is much easier when God’s in control and not me!? I won’t lie, I get restless and sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a broken body with the desire to do so much more than what I am physically able to do, but then I open my eyes and realize how much I am blessed to be able to do what I can do. When you start taking your eyes off yourself and look at others who are worse than you and have a better attitude and zeal for life, you get a kick to the gut and a reality check across the cheek. How dare I whine and grumble! A few bites of humble pie is all it takes to get recentered.

Categories: General